Saving vs. Rescuing

I tried to save someone once . . .

It almost cost me everything:

My marriage

My family

My friends

My career

My faith

         My health

My Self

The arrogance of it . . .

to think I could actually save someone!

Yet it felt so important, an imperative

So true and right in that moment

Noble even

To throw myself into this vast chasm of mangled humanity

The jagged edges of brokenness sharpened with shards of pain

The gaping wounds, deep canyons, each an abyss you could fall into

Endlessly

Never finding the bottom

Despite all of the burnt offerings and blood sacrifices

And prayers and incantations and spells and wishes one could conjure

I tried to save someone once

(Was I trying to save myself?)

I don’t even know if it helped

But I know it almost finished me

Even still . . .

I’m wonder if I might do it again?

I wrote this poem after losing all of my perspective and most of my boundaries in a challenging relationship that managed to press all the buttons installed in my childhood that I thought I had deactivated over the years I have invested in my own personal therapy (here is a plug for continuing therapy for all therapists!) As an Enneagram Type 2, my basic fear is of being both unwanted and unworthy, and my primary desire is to feel wanted and loved.  The way I learned to address that fear was by figuring out what the people around me might need, and then supplying that need, trying to avoid abandonment and rejection by making myself indispensable.  Of course, one of the many problems with this strategy is that rather than waiting to be asked for help, or told what kind of help might be needed, I stepped in uninvited with whatever I deduced might be the answer to the current problem, whether this was a remotely welcome or even relevant intervention at the time.  I was essentially trying to relieve the anxiety of the other person to soothe my own anxiety over being unworthy and unlovable rather than acting from a more altruistic motive.  I also tended to fall into rescuing rather than supporting rather quickly, which led to many unhealthy dynamics on both sides of the relationship.

The Oxford dictionary defines support as “to promote the interests or cause of another, to assist, or help” and rescue as “to save or deliver.”  People who are literally drowning in the ocean definitely need to be rescued, and as quickly as possible.  People who appear to be more metaphorically drowning in a sea of struggles typically benefit more from a supportive strategy, although if their lives are threatened by their situation, as in the case of suicidal ideation, a more direct intervention may be necessary to provide life-saving stabilization, before supportive therapies even become relevant.  We don’t keep life jackets on someone who has been rescued from drowning after they are safely on shore.  At that point, the life jacket becomes a strait jacket preventing other helpful means of care.  If we continue to rescue someone past the point of necessity, we are creating a situation that disempowers that individual and turns them into a victim who is dependent on our ongoing care.  Rather than continuing to fish someone out of the ocean or keeping a life jacket on them permanently, just in case they happen to fall in again, we might want to focus on figuring out why they keep falling in the water as well as teaching them to swim properly!

We scaffold this process by meeting the person where they are, typically in the shallow end, offering as much support as is necessary to keep them just at the edge of their window of regulation, where growth is possible. For better or worse, growth happens when we are uncomfortable enough to change what we are doing and learn a new way forward.  If we become distressed beyond our ability to regulate, however, our brain stem activates, whose focus is protection rather than learning and growth, and we resort to survival reactions such as freeze, fight, flight or fawn to defuse or avoid the threat. We cannot learn something new when we are in this mode, only try to survive the perceived threat until it passes.

There is often a fine line between supporting someone and trying to rescue them.  Rescuing is nonconsensual and takes responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of another.  It tends to be a reflection of the rescuer’s need to be needed rather than the other’s need to be saved (my enneagram number’s struggle!) Rescuing both falsely elevates one to a position of being all-knowing and all-powerful and devalues the other to a lower position of being incompetent and incapable of managing their lives without assistance.  Rescuing can create resentment on both sides of the relationship.  The rescuee starts to feel smothered and controlled while the rescuer feels exhausted and unappreciated.

Rather than taking control of the situation and trying to solve another person’s problems, supportive behaviors include offering guidance to help someone find their own solutions that are congruent with their values and beliefs.  Support encourages autonomy and independence rather than creating dependence and a sense of helplessness and powerlessness, reinforcing negative beliefs the person may already have about themselves as being incapable and ineffective.  Support restores the balance of power to one of mutual respect and equality, with each person taking responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. While rescuing is often rooted in the rescuer’s need for validation and control, supporting stems from genuine empathy and compassion, a desire for the other person’s well-being rather than only one’s own.

People often enter the counseling field motivated to help others without examining the origins of that drive.  Even in early childhood, I noticed when the people around me were in pain and moved towards their distress wanting to make it go away.  I needed everyone around me to be ok, not realizing I wanted them to be ok in order for me to be ok. I tended to neglect my own needs while prioritizing those of others, at the expense my health and well-being. It wasn’t that I merely wanted to help others, I had to help, or my anxiety about them just kept escalating to an unbearable level.  I would obsess and ruminate about how to solve the problems of my family and friends while ignoring the problems this was causing me and ultimately my relationships with them.

There are legitimate occasions when a full on rescue is warranted.  If a client clearly demonstrates enough loss of perspective about their situation that they want to end their life through suicide, it is my responsibility to ensure their safety until a more hopeful perspective can be restored.  If a client’s eating disorder has progressed to the state where their physical health or safety is compromised, a higher level of care may be required even though this reduces their autonomy to freely make their own choices for a time.  Substance abuse can also create life threatening situations that require more robust interventions.  Even in these circumstances, however, I am always seeking ways to help my clients maintain as much of their autonomy as possible within the parameters of keeping them safe.  My goal is to continue to trust that they have inner wisdom and to empower them to access that Wise Self so that they learn to trust themselves and their power to heal rather than relying on so called “experts” to tell them what they need. 

Like parenting, effective counseling equips and empowers towards independence rather than co-dependence, or as I like to say, interdependence, because as humans we are wired to need to belong to a tribe or community of others with whom we can co-regulate and find support in times of struggle.  Our nervous systems are not designed for the rugged individualism that seems to be one of the unfortunate core values of our Western culture.

I encourage my clients to translate “needing support” as “being human,” since to me they are synonymous.  Helping each other builds intimacy through healthy connection and leads to richer, fuller more sustainable lives.  After all, aren’t we truly just “walking each other home?”[1]

[1] Attributed to Ram Dass